List 154: Ten Awful Band Names (And Ten Excellent Band Names)

AWFUL BAND NAMES!

1. Driver

2. Backhand

3. Erode

4. Eternal Sciatica Forever

5. Ranger

6. Steed

7. Miasma

8. My Big Bell-End: The Luis Guzman Opera Trio

9. Butt Tart

10. Tracer

EXCELLENT BAND NAMES!

1. Ashamed Father

2. DVD (& Flesh) Ripper

3. Ghost Loan

4. Fuck Champion 3000

5. Ranger

6. Steed

7. Infinite Living Nightmare

8. Hulk’s Leg Day

9. Shit Piss And More Shit And Piss

10. You Get The Shift Eff ‘Er?

List 153: Five Top Moments In Metal Music

1. The drum fill at 3:18 in Cannibal Corpse’s “Unleashing the Bloodthirsty”. coming after a few minutes’ frantic thrashing for a groovy little breakdown:

2. The bass drum/guitar syncopation in Chimaira’s “Frozen In Time”, beginning at 2.22 :

3. The middle-eight drum breakdown, snare roll and Best Scream Ever in Fear Factory’s “Hi-Tech Hate”, ALSO at 2.22!

4. The first minute or so of “An Enemy Led The Tempest” by Cradle Of Filth, with it’s perfect blasting leading into a 1-2 and a 1-2-3 on the toms before the beat changes, specifically around thirteen seconds in:

5. The howling wolf in My Dying Bride’s “The Barghest O’ Whitby”, at 21.14. The song’s about a big monster dog, which is why it’s so deadly:

LIST 152: The Top Five Episodes Of The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air

1: The one were Will fights aliens with Jeff Goldblum.

2: The one were Will fights aliens with Tommy Lee Jones.

3: The one were Will fights heterosexuality with Sir Ian McKellan.

4: The one.

5: The one where Uncle Phil is Shredder.

List 151: THE MONUMENTAL 151st LIST OF I dunno just ten class things or something

1: Heating

2: Running water

3: Unblocked toilets

4: Language

5: Donald Sutherland

6: Shelter

7: Light

8: The Bass Guitar

9: The Empire Strikes Back

10: Humour

List 150: Five Things I Love From Things That I Hate

1: Brendan Brady from Holloaks –

Irish Ham at its very finest

2: Joey Greco, presenter of Cheaters –

The very model of sincerity. Takes the showing of footage of partners’ extramarital exploits to heights unheard of

3: Scott Disick from Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Sample drunken quote: “Where’s she going? To clean her placenta?”

4: Homer giving the finger in The Simpsons Movie

SO fucking funny

5: Jason Lee in Chasing Amy

Banky deserves better…

List 149: Five Things I Feel Like Right Now

1: Clayface, just in general. I feel like my structure is compromised and I’m as greasy as mud.

2: Taking a piss. Self explanatory.

3: Deja Vu. I dreamed writing this.

4: Cold in the legs and warm in the head

4 2: Messing about with numbering

List 148: Current Standing Of ‘The ‘List’ – April 2012

1-7: All five Game Of Thrones novels in their seven paperback forms

8,9: Batman: Birth Of The Demon and Batman Vs. Bane

10: Shadow Of The Colossus – PS3

11: Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker – PS3

12-17: WWE: The Best Of Raw 2010, Live In The UK 2011, Wrestlemania 21, 22, ECW One Night Stand 2006, Barely Legal 1997

18: Batman: Animated by Chip Kidd

19: Easy A on DVD

List 147: Current Standing Of ‘The List’

1: Star Trek Season 1 BD

2: Twilight Zone Season 3 BD

3: Top Cat Complete DVD

4: Freaks and Geeks (extras) DVD

5: Mark Kermode: It’s Only A Movie

6: Gavin Baddely/ Dani Filth: The Gospel Of Filth

7: Kim Newman: Anno Dracula

Wow. Just seven. That’s the smallest it’s been all year, I think. Still have that Filth book from before summer but everything else is relatively new. Then again, Zelda’s out Friday, which I should be able to pay for with trade-ins. Just a case of getting everything else read or watched by then. Which is possibly literally impossible

List 146: Ten Things That, If You Said By Mistake When Asked By Nerds “Who’s Your Favourite Supehero?”, Would REALLY Embarrass You

1: Super Mark

2: Supergrill

3: The Incredible Hunk

4: Spider-Mum

5: Green Lantern (if you meant Green Arrow)

6: Badman

7: Wonder Wombat

8: Captain Canada

9: Bat Mark

10: James Bond

*BONUS: Dominic also suggested Cornetto and Green Intern, which I’ve included here as a means of reflecting tha

List 145: Two Black Sabbath/Egypt related puns:

1: Giza Butler

2: The Pyramids of Geezer

List 144: Life Goals

1: Be on the radio

2: Publish a book

3: Live abroad, however breifly

4: Raise a dog

5: Rock locality with 90s metal tribute act

6: Sell a sketch to BBC Radio 4

List 143: The Current State Of “The List”: Paid-for Yet Unconsumed Items

1: LA Noire

2: Portal 2

3: Fallout: New Vegas – Honest Hearts

4: Super Mario 64 DS

5: The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time 3D

6: Kirby’s Dream Land

7: Battlestar Galactica, complete on BD

8: The Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King (BD)

9: The Pacific (BD)

10: The Twilight Zone Season 2 (BD)

11: Justice League, complete on DVD

12: Looney Tunes Golden Collection Vol. 2

13: Scooby Doo, Where Are You Season 2

14: Wildboyz Season 4

15: WWF Backlash 1999

16: The Gospel Of Filth

18: Thor Omnibus

19: Choosing Death: The Improbable History Of Death metal and Grindcore

List 142: Things I’ve Quite Gotten Back Into, Ten Years After My Initial Fondness Began

1: Jackass and assorted adventures

2: Wrestling

3: Top Cat

4: Cradle Of Filth

5: The intravenous consumption of hard drugs

List 141: Five Donaghmore Hatchery Employees’ Names And The Names I’d Made Up For Them

1: Thomas (Perry)

2: Janusz (Manolo/ Manny)

3: Asha (Inga, Ice Queen Of The North Wastes)

4: Inga (Actual Inga)

5: Sylvia (Barda)

List 140: 5 Jokes

1: Did you hear the one about the haunted chicken factory? It had a poultrygeist.

2: What are dancers’ favourite crisps? Discos.

3: What did the gay man say, by mistake? “I like women, sexually that is”.

4: Did you hear the one about the bird who flew into the window? He thought it was clear passage through unoccupied space.

5: Why was Geddy Lee late for the cinema? He wasn’t in a Rush to get there.

List 139: The 139th Track In My iTunes Library

Antonin Dvorak’s 9th Sympony, apparently. I think that’s the one I downloaded because it reminded me of Batman: The Animated Series. as with all classical music downloads, it started with a bored Classic FM listening session in a Tesco car park.

List 138: Popular Energy Drink In Order Of Preference

1: Rockstar (easy to drink and tastes pleasant)

2: Red Bull (very cooperative)

3: Relentless (tough stuff if you can handle it)

4: Boost (again, pleasant, but crashes hard)

5: All others

List 137: Ten More Transformers To Appear In The Deleted Scenes Of Transformers 3 That Were Cut For Time 

1: Big Scooper

2: Salisbury Steve

3: Painiac

4: Chihuhuat

5: Lucky Number Murder

6: Metallica The Transformer

7: Ultimate Motherfucker

8: Grimlock

9: Magnet-Toe

10: Mi-Kill Bay

List 136: Seven Things Nile Will Never Rap About

1: Kleenex

2: Cedar

3: Cinematography

4: Papier Mache

5: Dogs

6: Mummies

7: Sarcophagi, or anything else ever because they are not rappers HAHAHAHAHA

List 135: Mums

Mums

List 134: Things Your Mum Would Like If They Were Anything Like Their Names

1: Candlemass

List 133: Things My Mum Likes

1: Gerry Anderson

2: Gerry Ryan (while always remarking that sometimes he’s a pure prick)

3: Probably Marty Whelan, if not enough to ever say

4: Shredding

5: Volkswagen Golfs

6: Being Deadly

7: Cautious Ebaying

8: Scowling at cats

9: Semi-obscure female American recording artists that local music shops have a hard time ordering the material of

List 132: Other Things You Thought Were Cool When You Were Young But They Weren’t

1: Sega Lock-On

2: Saying “got, got, need”

3: The Red Ranger

4: Sega Game Gear

5: Street Sharks

6: The Queer Adventures Of Johnny Quest The Bender

7: Sally’s Toy Shop

8: Han Walking Over Jabba’s Tail

9: Other kids

10: Messing about in in-progress houses

List 131: Five Names You Thought Were Cool When You were Young

1: Stephen Shine

2: Albalbal (pronounced “albalbal”)

3: Ultrimo

4: Kevin

5: Jin

List 130: Five Reasons I Hate Michael Cole, All From One Event’s Commentary

1: “Hardcore Holly is one tough hombre” – Even JR wouldn’t get away with as asinine a line

2: “From what I understand that is an extremely priceless trophy”- There aren’t gradations of pricelessness you genuine twat

3: “You could be my surrogate sports entertainer” – CALL THEM WRESTLERS!

4: “Earl Court” – It’s Earls Court

5: “Earl Court” – It’s JUST come up on screen, it’s Earls Court.

List 129: Four Favourite Musical Double Acts

1: Abbath and Horgh (Immortal)

2: David Gray and Jason Mendonca (Akercocke)

3: YTimK and Brad Wilk (RATM)

4: Sam Rivers and John Otto (Limp Bizkit)

List 128: Three Reasons I Hate Fanboys

1: It paints Wars fans in a negative light despite being made for them. It’s broad enough to appeal to casual moviegoers, but it also contains an abundance of very specific gags that fall completely flat. It also abuses fossilised character archetypes (a nerd with an internet girlfriend? Post 2000?) to do so.

2: Dan Fogler is the most inherently unlikeable comic actor of his generation, and he’s firing on all cylinders.

3: They had an opportunity to sieve some poignancy from the fact that one of the characters was terminally ill and made absolutely nothing of it.

4: Like several films did a few years back, it invokes Rush as another thematic touchstone for audiences, but as ever uses only one of their five most famous songs to do so. We Rush fans do not ONLY listen to “Tom Sawyer” and “Limelight”, Hollywood.

List 127: 127 Residents

1: Unknown

2: Unknown

3: Unknown

4: Unknown

5: Possibly a mouse

List 126: Current Annoyances

1: Coughing

2: Sneezing

3: Headaches

4: All of this coinciding with a mandatory course at Dungannon tech

5: Decreasing supply of Lucky Charms

List 125: 5 Favourite Blasters

1: Mick Harris (Napalm Death)

2: Horgh (Immortal)

3: Martin Axenrot (Opeth, Bloodbath, Witchery)

4: Adrian Erlandsson (Cradle Of Filth)

5: David Gray (Akercocke)

List 124: DVD Packaging Pet Peeves

1: Films series like the Bond movies being re-released in totally different packaging which don’t match your existing collection at all. I’ve From Russia, Goldfinger and Goldeneye in black and my other 4 or so are gold.

2: Music DVDs that come in CD-sized boxes (or just CD boxes). If the main feature is the concert on DVD then dammit, it’s going with the other DVDs, not the CDS. So fuck you Peaceville, SPV and various other record companies.

3: Optimum releasing initial copies of a film with lots of extras then the following cheaper copies with none. This is packaging related as the artwork used never differs.

4: Anything TV series with less than six discs using more than one case to house them. You can fit the lot in a single amaray keepcase nowadays, you’ve no excuse to take up more shelf space.

5: Pixar spines not matching up. They just don’t.

List 123: 10 Films I Saw In Cinemas That I’ll Happily Never Watch Again (And Hadn’t Given A Second Thought To ‘Til Writing This List)

1: Youth In Revolt

2: Boogeyman

3: Surveillance

4: Burn After Reading

5: Little Man (god forgive me)

6: I Am Legend

7: National Treasure

8: The Ring 2

9: Valiant

10: Flightplan (such monies wasted)

List 122: 2 Lists On This Page That Are Actually The Same

1: 22

2: 103

List 121: 3 Reasons Why Amazing Spider-Man 121 Boots Booty

1: Spider-Man just goes pure. Fucking. Mental when Green Goblin kills his woman.

2: Nice 70s pencilling courtesy of Gil Kane

3: “Snap”

List 120: Five Films With The Word ‘Retard’ Inserted Into Their Titles

1: Night Of The Living Retard

2: From Retard

3: Retard (Inception)

4: The Legend Of Bagger Vance The Retard

5: Stop! Or My Mom Will Retard

List 119: False Colours

1: Unblack

2: Ken’s Brollo

3: Smedge

4: Kakak

5: Bendy Bum

List 118: Re-evaluated to fondness

1: Red Dead Redemption- went from contempt to adoration, though it took me most of a year

2: Day Of The Dead- once severly depressed by it and annoyed by its dated music, I now love every aspect of it EXCEPT the false teeth the zombies wear

3: Alien- Originally bored by it, now enraptured by its slow-burning doom train

List 117: Disappointments

1: Mick Foley’s fourth autobiography Countdown To Lockdown- an ill-advised memoir chronicling a career in decline from one of my favourite people

2: Death Proof- still a good film but easily QT’s worst by some distance

3: Metal Gear Solid 4- In a great many ways an astounding game, but the worst traits of the series are similarly amplified

4: Resident Evil 5- Like Resident Evil 4 remade for the COD Kids Generation. Sexist, brash and frequently moronic.

5: The Killing Joke- Just not as good as its healthy reputation suggests, it feels unnecessary (I don’t need a Joker origin) and rushed (the ending is completely unnatural given the preceding events)

6: Mastodon: Live At The Aragon- mixing seems rushed on this long-awaited full-length ‘Don concert DVD

List 116: Consistent Collections Owned

1: Preacher (all 9 volumes original first edition designs, which honestly I hate)

2: Red Dwarf (all 8 series 2/3 disc special eds loaded with bonuses)

3: Doom Patrol (all 6 Morrison books with matching Vertigo sleeves)

4: Sin City (all seven books with picture spines)

List 115: 7 King Of The Hill lines I’ve carried with me ever since first hearing them

1: “Maria Mon-TAL-vo”

2: “It’s Christmas with the Gniewkos”

3: “HERE COMES THE GHOST”

4: “What’re you gonna do, Bobbay? Are you gonna kick me in the naaads?”

5: “RICKISUGGS!”

6: “Then we can swing outta here like a monkey in the jungle”

7: “I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories”

List 114: Five Blu-Ray Syncronous Spine Wins

1: Dawn and Day of the Dead (Arrow Films)

2: Batman Begins and The Dark Knight (Warner)

3: Shallow Grave and Trainspotting (without the slipcase on, Film4)

4: Toy Story and Toy Story 2 (but NOT 3, Disney)

5: That’s yer lot

List 113: Five Albums I Consider Excellent Despite Only Ever Listening To The First Half Of Them

1: Napalm Death’s Fear, Emptiness, Despair (Simply put, all the best tracks are at the front of the album)

2: Sepultura’s Beneath The Remains (same again)

3: Beck’s Guero (there’s a few great songs towards the end but I usually don’t get further than “Scarecrow”, which is oddly also true of the fifth album on the list

4: Limp Bizkit’s Significant Other (usually drop out around track 8 or so and start skipping)

5: Ministry’s Psalm 69 (the last half’s great but the change in pace is too jarring to listen to the whole thing in one go)

List 112: Lesser -praised Films From Great Directors

1: The Game

2: The Devil’s Backbone

3: Deja Vu

4: A Fistful Of Dynamite/ Duck, You Sucker!

5: Revenge Of Star Wars 12: The Jabba Jabba Jabba Jabba

List 111: Five Iron Maiden Songs That Are People

1: Alexander The Great

2: Mother Russia

3: The Trooper (presumably)

4: The Wicker Man

5: Bruce Dickinson

List 110: Five Ghosts

1: Christmas Past

2: Ben Kenobi

3: Christmas Present (also the name given to a gift typically given on or around Christmas day)

4: Bruce Willis is a ghost in the Sixth Sense movie

5: Can’t think of no more ghosts

List 109: 10 Things I Love About Resident Evil 4

1: Shooting the lake and getting eaten for it

2: Getting your head sliced off by something that broke out of a neck

3: Jack Krauser’s line “You may be able to prolong your life, but it’s not like you can escape your inevitable death, is it?”. Note: this would also appear in my 10 Things I Hate About Resident Evil 4 List, which only numbers about 3 points.

4: Flaming boulders

5: Wolf Hedge Maze

6: Living Suits Of Armour

7: Riot Gun

8: Spaniard’s invisible piss in opening scene

9: Regenerator hallway with bleeding bag in prison

10: Its sharing a character name with the third season of 24.

List 108:17 Transformers I’d Love To See In The New Movie

1: Wallpaperacles (turns into library)

2: Hugo The Truck (transforms into the concept of shame)

3: Space Devourer (transforms into WRECKS YOUR SHIT)

4: Nortwest Beast Mouth (transforms into map)

5: Kevin McAllister The Robot (transforms into Catherine O Hara)

6: Sofa, So Good (transforms into Megatron, at the writers’ discretion)

7: Iron Man (actual Iron Man; does not transform, except from Tony Hank into Iron Man)

8: King Kill (transforms into king- is actually of considerable benevolence)

9: Superbitch (transforms into a tide of menstrual blood)

10: Holyfuckmotron (tranforms into Dr. No in 60s flashback)

11: Optimus Prime 2

12: Massive Hammer (transforms into a wearable shell suit)

13: Fat Hands (transforms into an alsation- note: is always an alsation, and not a transformer)

14: God Ribs (trasforms into a perfect, disembodied ribcage)

15: Bill Murray

16: The Lamp From The Pixar Films

17: Omnicron (not sure he transforms, but have you SEEN him? HE’S A PLANET!)

List 107: The Rock

1: The Rock

List 106: The Definitive Song Each From Ten Artists:

1: “Fuck You, The Government” by Rage Against The Machine

2: “Smashed Fanny” by Cannibal Corpse

3: “Smokin’, Drinkin’, Shaggin'” by AC/DC

4: “”Suck My Love, Love My Suck” by Rammstein

5: “Seriously, George W. Bush, I REALLY Hate You” by Ministry

6: “Pain Flames Rain Of Pain War Hatepain Shame Inflikted Wartribe” by Soulfly

7: “I Told You Already, I’m A Videogame Character, NOT A SINGER” by Alan Wake

8: “(All) Religion(s) Is (Or Are) For Retards” by Napalm Death

9: “My Dick Is Your Saviour” by John Tentacles

10: “Isn’t The Sphinx Fucking Rad?” by Nile

List 105: Films I’ve Found To Improve On Second (or Subsequent) Viewings

1: Moon

2: Jackie Brown

3: (Horror Of) Dracula

4: Alien

5: Blade Runner

List 104: The Most Absolute Reversals Of Opinion I’ve Thus Far Endured

1: Fondness of Kevin Smith into absolute resentment

2: Love of Max Cavalera into vague embarassment thereof that’s not QUITE hatred

List 103: Bands Whose Albums I Heard First Remained My Favourite

1: Mastodon- Blood Mountain

2: Slipknot

3: Rage Against The Machine

4: Type O Negative- October Rust

5: At The Gates’ Slaughter Of The Soul

List 102: The Triple-Dip: Titles Owned On VHS, DVD and Blu-Ray

1: The Matrix

2: Alien

3: Fair enough, that’s it

List 101: Three Childhood Classics That Passed Me By ‘Til Late In Life

1: The Goonies (firt watched about two years ago)

2: The Indy Trilogy (about three years ago)

3: Ghostbusters, er, duology (two years ago)

List 100: 5 Things You’ll Need To Have A Hundred Of If You Want Rewarded

1: Gold Tokens in the Crystal Maze in order to get those awesome personalized prizes, AFTER the collected number of SILVER tokens has been deducted from the overall token haul

2: Hidden Packages in GTA3 in order to get, I dunno, thanked for it? By like a criminal. S’been too long since I played it.

3: Consecutive issues of comics either written or pencilled with another single person in order to come close (two issues short) to Stan The Man and Jack Kirby’s record (as of a few years ago: record’s since been passed by Bendis and Bagley)

4: Hmm. How to phrase this so it fits the title??? Ah. “Ink on your chest in order to be the second person to achieve total victory on Sasuke”. As Nagano was such a champion, and is traditionally the last of 100 competitors in the twice-yearly tournament.

5: Fuck this is tough. OH! Episodes of your TV series in order to qualify for syndication in the US. Like with Duck Tales.

List 99: Five Songs Appearing In Adverts Right Now That, For No Apparent Reason, Are Covers

1: “Tainted Love”

2: “Bad Reputation”

3: “Our House”

4: er, “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”

5: “Here Come The Girls”

AND A SIXTH

6: “Love Will Tear Us Apart”

AND A SEVENTH!!!

7 : “Place Your Hands”

List 98: The Lesser-Known Fourth Album- Bands Whose Fourth LP Is Arguably Their Best, As Well As Lodged Between More Successful Efforts

1: AC/DC: Powerage. Between- Let There Be Rock and Highway To Hell

2: Cannibal Corpse: The Bleeding. Between- Tomb Of The Mutilated and Vile

3: Metallica: …And Justice For All. Between- Master Of Puppets (‘best ever’) and Metallica (commercial domination)

List 97:Five Songs That Could Easily Open The Albums They’re On Despite Mid-Record Placement

1: “Book Of Thel” from Bruce Dickinson’s Chemical Wedding

2: “Lolita” from Prince’s 3121

3: “Shot Down In Flames” offa Highway To Hell (with “Highway To Hell” shifting to last, to reset the balance)

4: “Apes Of God” on Sepultura’s Roorback (Really would have announced the album: “Come Back Alive” would have to lose its intro though)

5: “I’ll Stick Around” on Foo Fighters. I’m still somewhat baffled that the album’s first two tracks aren’t in the opposite order. Those 16 snare strokes would have been a great way to launch what has since become one of the world’s biggest bands into the public eye.

List 96: Five Things I Hate About I, Robot

1: The line “Aw HELL no!”. I’m really sick of seeing this in Will Smith films, even if this is the only one.

2: Bridget Moynahan’s inability to act or at the very least make her one-dimensional character anything less than infuriatingly one-dimensional. That is until she takes her hair out of her ‘stuffy scientist’ bun and becomes, in Shia LeBouef’s eye’s, “shit hot, man”.

3: The notably shameless product placement, from Will’s “2004 vintage” Chucks (the film was released in 2004, so curious viewers watching a film set in the future can still buy the fucking shoes the main character is wearing) to the Audi’s helpful logo placements both out- and INside the car, the producers are without apology, clearly.

4: Del Spooner’s reciting of the Three Laws about a third into the film. Smith helps out those in the audience who either weren’t paying attention at the beginning or were too stupid to grasp the Three Laws Of Robotics while conversing with a character who defends them as if he’s going somewhere, only to quip “laws are made to be broken”. So pointless.

5: Sonny’s throwaway line of “What AM I?” as he escapes Spooner’s pursuit in the robot factory and how out of character it seems for a fairly self assured android. Clearly one for the trailers.

List 95: Five Things I Am Right Now

1: Awake

2: Typing

3: Touching a laptop

4: Less than a hundred years of age

5: Slightly cold

List 94: Five Prooves That Game Sequels Often Outstrip Their Predecessors

1: Ultimate Mario Bros.

2: Crash Bandicoot 40

3: Alan Wake 2: Revenge Of The Living Books Or Whatever

4: The Oranger Box

5: David Simon and Ed Burns: The Corner: The Videogame

List 93: The Best Five Moments In Commando

1: Crash zoom on Arnie as he checks his watch for the first time

2: Arnie throws a pipe INTO A HUMAN BEING

3: Arnie rips a phone booth from a wall, with a human being inside it, and spins it through the air

4: Crash zoom on Arnie as he checks his watch for the second time

5: Arnie kills at least thirty men in five minutes

List 92: The Infuriatingly Sequenced and Titled Rambo Films

1: First Blood

2: Rambo: First Blood Part II

3: Rambo 3

4: Rambo

List 91: The Best of ’91

1: Type O Negative: Slow, Deep and Hard

2: The formation of Cradle Of Filth

3: Bolt Thrower: War Master

4: Terminator 2: Judgment Day

5: Cannibal Corpse: Butchered At Birth

6: Death: Human

7: Boyz N The Hood

8: Nirvana: Nevermind

9: Rush: Roll The Bones

10: Sepultura: Arise

11: Suffocation: Effigy Of The Forgotten

12: Sonic The Hedgehog on MASTER SYSTEM

13: Skid Row: Slave To The Grind

14: About a third of Dangerous

15: Pearl Jam: Ten

16: Debut of Ren and Stimpy

17: Birth of Malcolm In The Middle’s weird younger brother

List 90: The Current Standing of ‘The List’: purchased but not-used items, arranged by order of acquisition.

The Orange Box (c. December 2008)

Mass Effect (c. February 2009)

The Making Of The Empire Strikes Back (November 2010)

Monty Python’s Flying Circus Series 3 (December 2010)

The Wire: Truth Be Told (January 2011)

It’s Garry shandling’s Show Season 2 (Tuesday)

Rob Brydon’s Annually Retentive Series 1 and 2 (Wednesday)

Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights Series 1 and 2 (Today ((Thursday)))

List 89: Seven Songs I Really Love But Rarely Talk About

1: Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life”

2: Cher’s “One By One”

3: The un-named remix of “Happiness In Slavery” on Nine Inch Nails’ Fixed EP

4: The original version of “Live Wire” by Motley Crue, from before the whole album was re-recorded

5: “Across 110th Street” by Bobby Womack

6: Sepultura’s “Common Bonds”

7: “Dies Irae” by Believer

List 88: Four Songs, Arranged In Pairs, That Bear Striking Similarites

1/2: Tina Turner’s “Steamy Windows” and LA Guns’ “Wild Obsession”

3/4: Eric Carmen’s “All By Myself” and Bon Jovi’s “Never Say Goodbye”

List 87: Five Songs Whose Best Bit Is The End

1: Limp Bizkit: Re-Arranged (nice bass fiddling and DJ Lethal at his best)

2: The Music: Getaway (a great little guitar lick that appears for the first time as the song fades out. So lovely)

3: Fear Factory: Dark Bodies (Invisible Bodies) (Plays part of the intro in reverse, and it sounds like absolute magic)

4: Death: Symbolic (Just takes the best riff of the song and fades away, with power, subtlety and menace)

5: Nirvana: Lounge Act (hmmmmm, nhhhhhhhh)

List 86: Five times

1: Half Three

2: Quarter to Half to Ten

3: Eighty to midnight

4: Noon

5: One

List 85: Five DVDs’ slipcases I have in the attic without their interiors

1/2: Jimmy Carr Live/ Stand Up (all sold)

3: Russell Brand’s Menage A Trois (all sold)

4: Pirate’s Of The Caribbean: The Lost Disc (presumably sold)

5: The Rob Brydon Experience (sold Rob Brydon Live, kept the excellent Annually Retentive)

List 84:The Blank List

List 83: 13 Fictional Things

1: Napalm Death’s cover of Oasis’ “D’you Know What I Mean?”

2: Dire Danny Dyer’s awareness of my hatred of him.

3: The Obituary album “My Brother’s A Concept”

4: “Space Tape”

5: Cow arguments

6: Star Wars Episode VII: Chewbacca’s Diary

7: 11-month calendars bearing the image of Alan Sugar

8: Cow ballet

9: Wooden priests

10: Sentient bins

11: Pumae with a pre-ordained hatred for the film The Graduate that exists from birth

12: The colour ‘Pink black’

13: Cow government

List 82: Three Actors I Think Should Have Been Much, Much Bigger

1: Robert Wuhl: I’ve analysed this. I keep thinking that Batman should have been a launchpad for a career of sarky comedy roles that wouldn’t have felt out of place in the 1980s. Then I remember that the film came out in 1989, and the 90s was no place for the type of characters I picture Wuhl playing. Still, he’s great in Batman. By the way, he played Knox.

2: Matthew Lilliard: Granted, he played Shaggy in two Scooby Doo films, but despite the high profile and popularity with kids, they’re not great films. Seeing him in Scream, I just marvel that he didn’t enjoy the constant success thereafter that he so clearly deserved.

3: Steve Zahn: You see Steve in a lot of things but forget about them quick enough. I think maybe that he should have been the co-lead in films like Independence Day, those odd blockbusters where the line between comedy and action is blurred. That’s not to disparage any of the work he did do, his CV is solid. I just reckon he should have been bigger.

List 81: Two Films That Turned Out To Be Way Worse Than I Remembered Them ‘Cos I Can’t Think Of Five

1: Airheads. Wow, it’s just not one bit funny, and the characters are horrible.

2: The Jungle Book. First time it was like a whole new world (and this first time was ’07 or so). Second time, it just felt like a poorly strung together sketch movie heaving with mild racism.

List 80: Top Five Things That Make Me Blub My Face Off

1: Ace Rimmer’s space-grave in Red Dwarf episode “Stoke Me A Clipper”: the combination of the departure of Chris Barrie from the cast, Howard Goodall’s massively moving music cue, the realisation of just how many of the are out there, the beeping becoming one continuous note and the the reveal of what they’ve become is utterly heartbreaking and makes me weep like nothing else.

2: The end of Spaced. Happiness for everyone, and the incredibly sweet Lemon Jelly track left me unable to speak the last time I watched it. Honestly, I couldn’t speak.

3: Arnie saying “I know now why you cry” to Eddie Furlong before he descends into the lava in Terminator 2. The thumbs-up is a tad too sentimental (though no less effective) but his simultaneous understanding and non-understanding of a human emotion is the high point of the film (after that bit with the slidy truck. Fuck me, what a shot)

4: A pair of last-shot reveals from Pixar- Monsters Inc. and Up. Emotional trips unafraid to save it all for one last punch right to your heart.

5: The bit in the middle of Return Of The Jedi where Vader says “It is too late for me, son”. SAD. Bye.

List 79: 2 Reasons I Didn’t Blog For A Week

1: Nothing happened to me. By staying indoors, I managed to see absolutely nothing that merited any comment.

2: My daily entertainment intake stayed so rigidly unchanging that I figured it would do just to not write about it for a week.

List 78: The 5 Best Films of 1978

1: Dawn Of The Dead

2: Superman: The Movie

3: Capricorn One

4: Halloween

5: Er, The Wiz

List 77: The 5 Best Items In My Long-Gone Cradle Of Filth Collection

1: Dusk… And Her Embrace LP with poster (with DIDDIES!)

2: Vempire LP- Signed

3: Cruelty And The Beast- Celtic Cross Gravestone CD (the booklet was excellent)

4: Cruelty And The Beast- Promo copy (with un-aknowledged non-final mixes of songs)

5: Vempire – Logo-and-title-less cover promo

List 76: 5 Words That Firefox’s Dictionary Doesn’t Recognise As Words

1: Firefox

2: Listenable

3: Shite (but not shit)

4: Goldish

5: Craxfaather

List 75: Bands I Love Whose First Album Is If Fact Very Listenable

1: My Dying Bride

2: Type O Negative

3: Rage Against The Machine

4: Rammstein

5: Cannibal Corpse

List 74: Bands I Adore Whose First Album Is Absolutely Unlistenable

1: Fear Factory

2: Sepultura

3: Cradle Of Filth

4: Napalm Death

5: Opeth

List 73: The Best Series Each Of Thirteen TV Shows

1: Blackadder (3)

2: Father Ted (2)

3: The Thick Of It (3)

4: Futurama (3)

5: Deadwood (1)

6: The Wire (2)

7: The Office (3)

8: Batman Beyond (1)

9: The Shield (5)

10: Battlestar Galactica (2)

11: The Young Ones (2)

12: Spaced (1)

13: Fawlty Towers (2)

List 72: Character Names That Appear In Both DC and Marvel, and whose is better

1: Scarecrow (DC)

2: Dr. Strange (Marvel)

3: Destiny (Haven’t a fucking clue)

4: Superman (Marvel)

List 71: Those Instances Which Prompted Me To Engage In A Hitherto Ignored Internet Trend

1: Twitter: Wanted to ask Mick Foley about his standup. Did so, got a reply, haven’t used since.

2: Facebook: Wanted to find out about an old possession from someone I don’t want to talk to. Got the info, deleted profile.

3: Ebay: Couldn’t pass up the sale of a Cradle Of Filth Dusk…And Her Embrace digipak.

4: Bebo: can’t remember, but my original BeBlog was fucking incredible, and resides still on a broken HDD which I hope to have recovered one day.

5: The internet itself: tangent, but I spent my first night on out home internet eating Phineas Fogg’s tortilla chips and reading the many articles of Spawn.com.

List 70: Things ‘Upgraded’ For Entirely Aesthetic And Non-Reasonable Reasons

1: The Mighty Boosh Series 1 and 2 box: Gave the originals to Luke and bought the new one because it had a slipcase and booklet.

2: Total Recall: Disposed of regular edition in favour of Steelbook, with no intention of ever watching the extrae thereon.

3: Spider-Man. Disposed of three-disc edition in favour of the Woolworths-exclusive embossed slipcase edition (on the same day I also bought the shitty Reboot Spider-Man series and Green Day’s Bullet In A Bible DVD)

4: Resident Evil 4 (GC): Get this- I actually paid £14 on an ebay auction for a SLIPCASE only for this game, which I refuse to part with a) as a matter of principle and b) it’s worth NOTHING!

5: Metal Gear Solid 3 and 4: In 3’s case, sold my copy to buy the HMV-exclusive slipcase’d version, and with 4, well, I had enough trade in credit in Game to get the game for free, but opted to take the cash instead and had to pay an extra TENNER for the HMV-exclusive slipcase’d version. Hey, it’s tradition.

6: Batman: Arkham Asylum: Similar to the above, went to great lengths to get rid of my own copy in order to get the limited slipcase’d version. But wait: THIS copy comes with a POSTER! Which I never, ever displayed.

List 69: Five UK Comedy TV Series DVDs I’ve Upgraded And Why

1: Blackadder (Complete): Newer set contains commentaries, interviews and a documentary, and nicer packaging.

2: Father Ted (Complete): Newer set contains interviews, a documentary, appearances on other shows and nicer packaging.

3: Fawlty Towers (Complete): Newer set contains new Cleese commentaries, interviews and a documentary, and nicer packaging.

4: Spaced (Complete): Newer set contains new outtakes, interviews and a documentary, and nicer packaging.

5: The Young Ones (Complete): Newer set contains commentaries, interviews and a documentary, and nicer packaging.

All quite valid really.

List 68: Five Things You Shouldn’t Do That I Have Done In One Day This Week

1: Drink three cans of Coca-Cola within thirty minutes because you think you’re thirsty. No-one is that thirsty.

2: Undertake a 150-minute walk in the pouring rain, with your clothes hanging heavily on you like so many dead lovers.

3: Ask for a peashwari naan on your kebab. The extra flavour is NOT welcome.

4: Eat a kebab, fucking ever.

5: Watch the cartoon “Yanky Doodle Daffy”. IT’S. JUST. SINGING.

List 67:Five TV Series That Have Been Brought Out In Nicer Packaging Than I Already Own Them In

1: Batman (1990s)

2: Batman Beyond

3: Spider-Man (1990s)

4: Seinfeld

5: NONE OTHER

List 66: The Three Faces Of Foley

1: Mankind

2: Cactus Jack

3: Two-time Father

List 65: TV Shows I Stopped Watching Before They Ended (Or Are Still Running)

1: The Office

2: True Blood

3: Heroes

4: House M.D.

5: Six Feet Under

List 64: The Last Five CDs I Can Remember Buying

1: Rammstein’s Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da

2: Immortal’s All Shall Fall

3: Chimaira’s The Infection

4: Dream Theater’s Black Clouds And Silver Linings

5: The Complete Knowing Me, Knowing You

List 63: Pictures Of Henry Rollins On My Wall And Their Descriptions

1: Leaning on knee, smiling, white background

2: Leaning on knee, smiling, in a bar

3: Altogether moodier, no knees in sight, red background

List 62: Five entirely fictional place names

1: Shitkeeper, Iowa

2: David Cameron’s A Cunt, South Wales

3: Vicars’ Bane, The Willows, Dungannon

4: Spludge, Co. Cork

5: The United States Of America, France

List 61: The Current Standing of ‘The List’: purchased but not-used items, arranged by order of acquisition.

1: Charlie Brooker’s Dawn Of The Dumb (c. 2007)

2: Charlier Brooker’s The Hell Of It all (2009, mostly read and abandoned. Will resume with an educated guess at page 220)

3: Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions (2010, completed five of 13 levels)

4: Chris Jericho’s A Lion’s Tale (2010, last week, and my next textual conquest)

5: Looney Tunes Golden Collection discs 2-4 (last week, currently enjoying)

List 60: 5 Shit Things That Happened To Me Today

1: Nosebleed, 6pm

2: Coughed so hard I felt I was floating

3: Burned my pizza

4: Nosebleed, 2 minutes ago

5: Continued to be unemployed and unenrolled in further education

List 59: 5 Alternative Alliterative Names For Spider-Man

1: Perter Parko

2: Poto Parper

3: Peter Penman

4: Pebba Pektar

5: Proto Plasm

List 58: 9 Videogame Consoles I’ve Previously Owned

1: Sega dreamcast (for two days)

2: Nintendo DS (White)

3: Nintendo DS (Red)

4: Sony Playstation

5: Sony Playstation 2 (Black)

6: Sony Playstation 3 (40GB)

7: XBox 360 (60GB)

8: XBox 360 (Arcade)

9: Gameboy Colour (Purple)

List 57: 9 Videogame Consoles I Currently Own

1: Nintendo Gameboy (Grey)

2: Nintendo Gameboy Advance DS (Silver)

3: Sega Master System II

4: Sega Mega Drive II

5: Nintendo 64

6: Nintendo Gamecube (Silver)

7: Sony Playstation 2 (Silver)

8: Sony Playstation 3 (Slim)

9: Nintendo Wii (White)

List 56: Five Wrestlers That I’ve Come To Realise I Look Forward to Seeing In Old PPVs

1: D’Lo Brown

2: The Lethal Weapon, Steve Blackman

3: Road Dogg

4: Dean Malenko

5: Gangrel

List 55:7 Blu-Rays That Were Cheaper Than When I Bought Them On DVD

1: Batman (£16, £8)

2: Batman Begins (£19, £18)

3: Casino Royale (£7, free)

4: The Fly (£8, £6)

5: The Proposition (£6.71 (tax business), £5)

6: Reservoir Dogs (£14, £10)

7: The Transporter (£8, £6)

List 54: Books I’ve Read In A Day

1: Stewart Lee, How I Escaped My Certain Fate

2: DCP Pierre, Vernon God Little

3: JD Salinger, Catcher In The Rye

4,5: JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire, Deathly Hallows

6: Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

7,8,9: Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy, The Restaurant at the end of The Universe, Mostly Harmless

10: Motley Crue, The Dirt

List 53: Top Two Apparent Viagra Salesmen Who’ve Emailed Me In The Last Week

1: Nudd Zeigler

2: Prashant Binyake (as pronounced ‘Bin Yake’, this had become my new favourite surname, overtaking Shilling.

List 52: Ten Ridiculous Moments In Professional Wrestling That Never Fail To Make Me Smile

1: Bossman making Big Show’s mother call him a bastard, all the while referring to him by his real name, Paul Wight. See main page.

2: Announcer Jonathan Coachman turning heel at Summerslam 2003 for no honestly justifiable reason.

3: Total nobody Essa Rios gaining a world title match against genuine star Kurt Angle on Sunday Night Heat.

4: Eric Bishcoff setting loose two huge Samoan wrestlers on some ‘hot lesbians’, again for no justifiable reason. Soon as I find it on youtube, main page.

5: Bossman winning a clean victory over fucking THE ROCK. Main page.

6: Bubba Ray Dudley powerbombing 80-plus-year-old Mae Young off of the entrance ramp through some tables.

7: The Kennel From Hell. Two layers of steel cages, and between them a bevy of shitting, shagging dogs. Starring Al Snow and… The Big Bossman. Fucking hell…

8: Kane and Stone Cold feeding Paul Bearer to the sewers.

9: 80-plus-year-old Mae Young giving birth to a plastic hand fathered by 400-pound Mark “Sexual Chocolate” Henry, and Pat Patterson throwing up.

10: “Where to, Stephanie???”

List 51: 10 Great Songs From Crap Albums (Thank Jim)

1: “Happiness In Slavery (Remix)” from NIN’s Fixed EP.

2: “Rise Of The Pentagram” from COF’s Thornography.

3: “Freak” from Bruce Dickinson’s Accident Of Birth

4: “Chapel Of Ghouls” from Morbid Angel’s Altars Of Madness

5: “Devil’s Dance” from Metallica’s Reload

6: “Stuntman” from Kasabian’s Empire

7: “Dead Human Collection” from Cannibal Corpse’s Bloodthirst

8: “Blood On The Dance Floor” from Michael Jackson’s Blood On The Dancefloor

9: “Instinct Of Survival” from Napalm Death’s Scum

10: “W.O.E” from Fear Factory’s Soul Of A New Machine

List 50: 5 Ludicrously Named Comics Characters

1: KGBeast

2: Crazy Quilt

3: Technomancer

4: The Gay Ghost

5: Man-Thing

List 49: 3 Puns

1: The Fall Of The House Of Usher (shit, let me try again)

2: The Black Cat (fucking hell, sorry, one more go, come on now man, a-game, just fucking bring it)

3: How I Learned To Stop Breathing And Love Asphyxiation (nope, just can’t do it)

List 48: 5 Past Members Of Cradle Of Filth I Miss Most Miss Most Miss

1: Stuart

2: Nick

3: Adrian

4: Martin

5: Gian

List 47: 5 Past Members Of Non-Cradle Bands I Most Miss

1: Jason Newsted (just so he’s be interviewed and photographed more often, and also would have more money)

2: Raymond Herrera (Fear Factory drummer)

3: Mick Harris (Napalm Death drummer, first two shit albums plus one excellent album)

4: Nick Barker (Dimmu really went to shit as SOON as he lef, well, maybe not as SOON as but certainly not long after)

5: I dunno, fuckin’ Ace Frehley or someone

List 46: 5 T-Shirts I See Frequently That Make Me Think “Just What Is The Ratio Of Nostalgia:Actual Fandom That Led To Your Purchase Of That Shirt?”

1: Batman oval logo

2: Superman logo, blue shirt

3: Rolling Stones Tongue

4: Guns N Roses top-hatted skull

5: Purple Joker shirt that Primark sells

List 45: 10 Franchises That (Presumably) Wisely Quit While They Were Ahead Before Sullying Their Names With Shitty Entries In Paul’s Reverse-Engineered Temporal Entertainment Utopia

1: Star Wars (3)

2: Home Alone (2)

3: Predator (1)

4: Capcom’s Resident Evil (It’s complicated)

5: Prison Break (2, at the most, whatever I mean by that)

6: Spider-Man (2)

7: 24 (5, not to harp on about it or anything)

8: Terminator (2)

9: Alien (3 at the most, at a stretch)

10: Romero’s Dead Trilogy (3, naturally) and their companion piece Land Of The Dead

List 44: 5 Things From Kevin Smith Media That I Still Recall With Fondness

1: Most of Clerks: The Animated Series. I’ll have to watch it again to make sure.

2: “Try not to suck any dicks on your way to the parking lot. Hey, get back here!”

3: Berserker

4: “No, it IS Fucky.”

5: “No, uh, me and Jaosn Biggs are naked in here, buck naked. Together.”

List 43: 7 Items That Were Bought And Never Used, And Sold

1: My So Called Life on DVD – Would quite like to buy again, but it was in the middle of The List and I hadn’t the time.

2: Elektra by Frank Miller Omnibus – Same again, needed money for rent, though it was overpriced as it is so buying it again is not coming as a natural option.

3 and 4: Ratchet and Clank 2 and 3 – Tried the first one, wasn’t doing it for me at all. I’ll stick with my shiny PS3 games, thanks.

5: Devil May Cry 4 – Bought for £2.50 in work, never entered the PS3, traded into CEX for money off the Godfather on Blu-Ray, which I’ve also sold.

6: Dead Rising – Similarly never once entered my console.

7: Rammstein’s Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da – Never actually used the CD itself. This was one of the last CDs I bought, if not the last. Yes, I just checked, it was. It was the realisation that I wasn’t actually using the CDs I was paying for that led me to sell them all.

List 42: Items That Boast The Longest Amount Of Between Purchase And Total Use

1: The Complete Calvin & Hobbes – Bought 2006 or so, finally finished July 2010 (despite having read nearly all strips before in smaller volumes)

2: The Sopranos – The second time I owned this I had it for eleven months before I started watching it. Have since sold it again. Will rebuy as soon as I have a job, like first wage.

3: V For Vendetta – Had since Autumn 2007, didn’t read until April 2010. And fucking loved it. This takes into account the three times I tried to read it and failed.

4: Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire – Whatever year this came out, 2000 I think, from then until the last one came out (07?). I read half of it when it was released and got bored. When the last one came out I felt compelled to read the lot. So I read it in one day. I also read Deathly Hallows in one day (as well as ringing in sick to work), and probably one or two of the earlier, thinner books.

5: Bioshock – If you count the copy I purchased in 2007 for Xbox and didn’t play and the PS3 copy I finished last September/ October, then 2 years, which is ages for such an ace game.

List 41: 5 Works In the Field Of Comics That I’ve Found To Be Vastly Over-Rated, While Respecting The Opinions Of Others, Containing Spoilers

1: Alan Moore’s The Killing Joke: This is a famous graphic novel that apparently acted as a sort of bible for Tim Burton during the filming of Batman 1989. It sees Joker escape from prison and proceed to shoot, paralyse and photograph the naked body of Jim Gordon’s daughter to support the idea that one bad day can turn anyone insane. Despite his best efforts, Gordon is shaken but resolute, and Batman takes the green-haired fucker down before sharing a laugh with him at the end, in the worst ending of anything ever written. The whole idea is that he want to rehabilitate Joker, because he’s aware that he can’t kill him and that they have to endure each others company until one dies. I can’t be bothered to say anything more about it, I’ll let you make your own mind up on the matter, but I take comfort in knowing Moore and artist Brian Bolland are also dissatisfied with the work, making their fans’ sycophancy (and it IS sycophancy, in this case) look all the more ridiculous.

2: Alan Moore’s Whatever Happened To The Man Of Tomorrow?

Oh dear. You might get the impression here that I’m not a fan of Alan Moore. Not true. I would go as far as to call him a genius, at least in this medium, and I hate to throw that word around. I don’t think I’ve ever honestly considered a musician, or an actor, for example, a true genius. But Alan Moore is a genius, and I both respect him and adore most of his work. But this two-issue Superman story just fucked me off to no end. It represents an alternate-universe take on the future disappearance of Superman, and crams in appearances (and usually deaths) from nearly all of Supes’ major friends and foes. I think that, if expanded to Watchmen length and published over one year, this could have real depth and emerged as the character piece people sometimes think it is, but considering it was done as a sort-of sendoff/ relaunch for the character in the mid-80s, it has a distinctly work-for-hire vibe.

3: Ed Brubaker’s Sleeper, Seasons 1 and 2.

First of all, the titling of the collections as seasons is just insulting. Let comics stay comics, and television stay television. Adaptations are fine by me, but each outlet has things the other can’t handle. I have trouble with one medium striving to be like another at the best of times (the many games that think they’re movies are the worst). Anyway, I read a lot of praise for this work, not least from people inside the comics world, and thought it would be worth a go. As it turned out, it was a mess of poorly defined characters, and I mean that both physically and characteristically. It concerns spies, a sleeper agent in particular, but offers you no incentive to care about anything or one. Tonally, it veered from ludicrousness that I quite enjoyed (including a hero that was “bitten by a radioactive homo” and a lady who needed to kick the shit out of people and have crazy sexcapades to stave off illness) to deadly serious business about protagonist Holden Carver (horrible name) getting back the life he led before blah blah I’ve fallen asleep.

4: Robert Kirkman’s Marvel Zombies.

For those that don’t know, Kirkman writes Image’s The Walking Dead, and is as such the person I respect most after Big George when it comes to zombie fiction. But the whole creation of Marvel Zombies seems to be based on the joke term used for fanboys of the company who would buy whatever it would churn out just to spite DC in an intangible, ineffective way. Long story short, Marvel Zombies was an endless parade of scenes of classic characters being eaten or eating each other, with a sprinkling of humour but nothing to make it memorable. As it happens, it was illustrated by Sleeper’s Sean Phillips. Loser.

5: Wow, I’m not sure I’ve read anything else that I hated despite the general public’s consensus of it. OH. Guardian Devil, by Kevin Smith, which is a Daredevil book. Though in this case, the sycophancy comes from Smith’s sycophant-by-default fanbase, and less from the hornhead devouts.

List 40: 5 Bands Who Displayed A HUGE Increase Of Talent And Focus Between Two Consecutive Releases

1: Fear Factory (Soul Of A New Machine < Demanufacture)

2: Death (Spiritual Healing < Human)

3: Cradle Of Filth (The Principle Of Evil Made Flesh < Vempire)

4: Opeth (My Arms, Your Hearse < Still Life)

5: At The Gates (Anything, really < Slaughter Of The Soul)

List 39: 3 Celebrities Whose Truncated Names Are Often Expanded Erroneously

1: Willard Smith

2: Charlton Brooker

3: Jerome Seinfeld

List 38: 5 Films About Darth Vader

1: The Phantom Menace

2: Star Wars

3: Revenge Of The Sith

4: The Empire Strikes Back

5: American Pie Presents: Darth Vaders With Low Self Esteem

List 37: 5 Early Songs By Rush That Are Worthy Of Best-Of-Album Inclusion, But Consistently Shunned

1: A Farewell To Kings

2: Beneath, Between, Behind

3: Natural Science

4: Losing It

5: What You’re Doing

List 36: 5 Frequently Mis-named Celebrities

1: Helen DeGeneres

2: Will Farrell

3: Darren Brown

4: Colin Ferrell

5: Darrell O’Brian off Mocking The Week

List 35: 5 Numbers In The Wrong Order

1: 2

2: 3

3: 4

4: 1

5: 5 SHIT

List 34: Another 5 One-Line Impressions I Can Do Expertly

1: Lando screaming “just a liddle higha, JUST A LITTLE HIGHA!” to blind Han.

2: Roy Batty’s infamous “I, want, more life…fuckerrr”

3: Gray Fox saying “a dying shadow…in a world of light” from that scene where Liquid’s got Rex’s leg on him that you can’t skip.

4: Lando screaming “weeraaaaghhh” as the Sarlacc grabs him

5: “I have THIS”. Barry Burton.

List 33: 5 Sections Of Things I Dread Upon Re-Watching

1: All of Europe in Guns Of The Patriots.

2: The amnesia in 24’s first year (obviously).

3: The first half of Indy and The Last Crusade

4: The Charlize Theron episodes of Arrested Development

5: To an extent, Buzz’s depression in Toy Story, just because I feel sorry for him despite the overall success of the scene, film, studio

List 32: Five Entertainment Products (er) That I’ll Never Experience Again, Voluntarily

1: Honestly, I think I could get away with never watching The Phantom Menace again. I have the Phantom Edit to watch for curiosity at some stage (mostly out of interest in to what extent you can de-stink a shite).

2: Shoot Em Up. It’s just fucking awful.

3: The second episode of the new series of Futurama, ‘In A Gadda Da Leela’. I’m never sitting through that again.

4: Probably George Romero’s last two zombie films, but definitely Survival. You hurt me big George.

5: Spider-Man 3 seems like a safe bet. Youse mind that English journalist from near the end of the film? Then last year the news was all like “FUCKING MAIN STAR OF SPIDER-MAN 3 DIES!!!!lololololo!!!111”, but it was her instead. Died onscreen in summer 2007, too.

List 31: Top One Performance By Mark Hamill

1: Luke Skywalker, in “Star Wars”

List 30: Five larger numbers than 30 with 30 in them

1: 300 (it has ten, plus one visual)

2: 30,000,000 (it has a million, and again one visual)

3: 31 (it has one, no visual)

4: 00E (kind of, in a mirror)

5: 60 (it has two)

List 29: Top 5 Nicholases

1: Barker

2: Burns

3: Lyndhurst

4: Cave

5: Saint

List 28: 5 Things I’ve Enjoyed Immensely In My One Day’s Play Of red Dead Redemption

1: Accompanying a dog named Charlie on a midnight watch of a small town.

2: Riding towards the sunset to rescue an awesome chick  who’s an actual character and not just a pair of tits to leer at, from a hanging by bad shits. In fact, you can’t even SEE her tits.

3: Speaking in incessant riddles and then being called on it.

4: Mastering the art of the horseshoe minigame and then completely abandoning it.

5: Befriending all manner of interesting types with decent dialogue that makes Fallout 3’s expanse seem a little less awesome.

$List 27: 5 Things I Learned From Metal Gear Solid

1: Zimbabwe used to be called Rhodeisa.

2: Despite nice agreements to wreck them all, most countries still have a shit ton of nuclear warheads just lying around the fucking place.

3: Alaska’s sea is the Bering Sea.

4: It seems a commonly held belief among Russians that Russia used to be class but is now a bit shit.

5: There’s no-one Snake’d rather have in a foxhole than McDonnell Miller.

List 26: 10 Things I’ve Owned Twice

1: Bioshock

2: All of Frank Miller’s Daredevil stuff.

3: Metal Gear Solid (closer to six or so times, actually)

4: Incarnation of The Trilogy (3 on VHS, 2 on DVD, and a further copy of Jedi on VHS)

5: An Xbox 360

6: A PS3

7: A Nintendo DS

8: A PS2

9: The Sopranos (currently gunning for a third time)

10: Six Feet Under seasons 1 and 2

List 25: My Top 5 Favourite Scenes In Movies That I Can Think Of Right Now But Two Of Them Are Totally Legit That I Always Think About

1: Goldfinger and Bond play golf in Goldfinger. I love this whole scene. I love the location. I love Bond’s subtle condescention to the caddy. I love Goldfinger’s cheating fat ass, and Bond screwing him over with the wrong Slazenger. I love the culmination with Oddjob’s two displays of power. My favourite scene in movies.

2: Kiddo meets Hanzo in Kill Bill Vol. 1. I wrote about this on Amazon so I’ll keep it short instead of repeating myself. It’s warm, pleasant, funny, inviting, with three great performances, two of which totally contradicting the way the characters act throughout the rest of their screen appearances. It’s pure lovely.

3: Sarah and John talk about junk in the winnebago, Day Of The Dead. Romero has this uncanny knack of creating zones of comfort in his horror movies, little pockets of security amidst the usually horrible settings. One such place, such a scene, is the discussion between Terry Alexander and Lori Cardille in Day Of The Dead. She comes down to hang out and get drunk, and he starts talking about how quickly the world fell apart, and whether it is worth fighting to save. It’s a fairly standard ‘press the reset button’ scene, but it’s played so cool, so invitingly, that when the distant ghoul moans in response to Alexander’s raised voice it’s just about the most chilling thing in the whole film.

4: Pre-coital El Wray and Cherry in Planet Terror. Simply put, I love the acting in this, the intensity of Freddy Rodriguez and the swearing of Rose McGowan, which I had similarly picked up on before he points it out to her. Deliberate cheese from RobRod, I love every second of the film.

5: Gollum talks to himself, The Two Towers. It’s just excellent. I feel extremely sorry for him, all the time, and I fucking love him, and to see himself bullied so harshly is horrible. But his cheery triumph over his lesser half is a real ‘hooray’ moment. I particularly like his one-word rebuttal, that little ‘no’ he uses to ignore evil himself.

List 24: The 5 Good Seasons Of 24

1: Season 1

2: Season 2

3: Season 3

4: Season 4

5: Season 5

List 23: 3 Magazine Covers That Made Me Upset And Annoyed To Buy

Though what does it say that this was, I think, my FIRST issue of Hotdog, which quickly became my favourite film magazine, despite having similar pictures on every cover for just over a year.

List 22: 5 First Albums I’ve Bought By A Band That Turned Out To Be My Favourite

1: Cradle Of Filth’s Vempire (Also fairly consistently my favourite album since I first heard it, waaaay back in 2001 or so)

2: Metallica’s …And Justice For All (I didn’t buy any Metallica albums for a looong time)

3: Beck’s Guero

4: My Dying Bride’s Like Gods Of The Sun (both of those last two were actually bought by my wife)

5: At The Gates’ Slaughter Of The Soul, by simulataneous virtue of being the only album of theirs I bought.

List 21: 7 Things I Feared And Resented In Super Mario Galaxy 2

1: The boomerang throwing jerks at the very end of the very last level.

2: Time-limited purple coin-collecting missions.

3: Anything that made use of the more straining motion controls, like gliding (hold it straight forward) or rolling (hold it straight up). No time for that shite at all.

4: Daredevil runs, and the return of Bouldergeist.

5: Levels where the floor flips out everytime you spin to control your jumps. Though in a way, I did appreciate the challenge.

6: Cosmic Clones bumping into you in mid-air so you fall off the screen. Fucking ghost jerks, that’s two games with ghost jerks in I’ve played this month. Wow, I’ve finished three games this month.

7: Quests given by Gearmo, from Goomba retrieval to trash disposal.

List 20: The 15 Films I’ve Bought On Blu-Ray That AREN’T DVD Upgrades

Dark City

The Dark Knight

District 9

Eagle Eye (Idiot)

Funny People

Hellboy II

The Hurt Locker

Inglorious Basterds

L.A. Confidential

Michael Jackson’s This Is It

No Country For Old Men

Shallow Grave

Unforgiven

Up

Wall-E

List 19: 21 Albums I Bought But Never Got Truly Familiar With

Black Sabbath’s Black Sabbath, Master Of Reality, Vol. 4, Sabbra Caddabra

Madonna’s Ray Of Light

Nick Drake’s Pink Moon (Which I will, honest)

Marilyn Manson’s Antichrist Superstar (no idea why I bought this at all)

Napalm Death’s Order Of The Leech (I’ll even go so far as to say I never even listened to all of it once)

Rush’s Test For Echo (It’s just so dull)

Pearl Jam’s Ten and Vitalogy

Slipknot’s Iowa

The Smiths

Nine Inch Nails’ Ghosts I-IV

The Music’s Strength In Numbers

Nile’s Ithyphallic (I can and frequently listen to it, but it’s too much to get familiar with)

My Dying Bride’s The Light At The End Of The World (don’t know how this has happened)

Bruce Dickinson’s Tyranny Of Souls

Beck’s Midnite Vultures (and with good reason)

Kasabian’s Empire

Mastodon’s Remission

List 18: Danny Dire’s Deadliest Things About Himself That Paul Hates

1; That he exists at all

2; That he’s well known, and famous enough to a) have relative wealth and 2) a higher ratio of possibility that some wankers actually like him

3; His crap face

4; His stupid personality

5; His shit acting

6; His alliterative name

7; Literally anything you can think of about him, I hate it

List 17: 5 Famous Songs Not Truly Representative Of An Artist’s Defining Sound

1: Brick Shitting by Philllll Colllllins

2: You Fucked Me? When? by The Jonas Brothers

3: Van Morrison’s Electrorape: This Is The Future Of Music

4: McCartney In A Grave, Ringo’s At A Rave by The Beatles

5: I Swear To Fuck I Can See by Stevie Wonder

List 16: 6 Places It Would Suck To Go To If They Were Any Way At All Based On Their Names

1; Murderstown

2; The Field Of Dread

3; Lament, Oregon

4; The Desert Of Sadistic Terror

5; Gravelworld

6; Crab City

List 15: 16 Things I Liked When I Was 16 That I Like Less Or Not At All Now

1; A Clockwork Orange

2; Soulfly

3; Kevin Smith

4; Top Cat (less)

5; Scarface

6; Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein

7; Watching 150 minute films at 3 in the morning (which admittedly I’d love to start doing again)

8; Probably Ginger Snaps.

9; Eight other things, I can’t think, I tried looking around my room but naturally I don’t have the things anymore.

List 14: 5 Lists I Will Never Write

1: The 5 Best Things About Lauren Laverne’s Voice

2: Danny Dire’s Single One Reason For Deserving Existence

3: 36 Reasons Why Any Coke Is Better Than Vanilla Coke

4: The 13 Members Of The Beatles In Order Of Height

5: 2 Reasons Why A Kick Up The Hole Is Better Than A Trip To Fridge, In A House With A Well-Stocked Fridge

List 13: 5 Songs With Sex Noise In ‘Em So You Can’t Listen To ‘Em Loud In A House with Other People Lest They Thing You’re Trying To Mask Porno With Metal

1: Akercocke- Of Menstrual Blood And Semen

2: Cradle Of Filth- Queen Of Winter, Throned (also likely their very best song)

3: The Runaways- Cherry Bomb (particularly disconcerting given Cherie Currie’s age at recording)

4: Type O Negative- Unsuccesfully Coping With The Natural Beauty Of Infidelity

5: Guns ‘N’ Roses- Rocket Queen

List 12: 10 Top Performances Less-Often Talked About

Vincent D’Onofrio in Men In Black

Ben Foster in 30 Days Of Night, and everything else except The Punisher.

Annabella Sciorra in The Sopranos

David Patrick Kelley in The Crow (thinking about him a lot recently, obviously)

Lizzy Caplan in Hut Tub Time Machine (makes an impression in minimal screen time in an awful film)

Arnie in End Of Days (another awful movie, but Arnie does proper acting in it and he’s fucking awesome at it)

Alan Ford in Snatch

Asia Argento in Land Of The Dead

Randy Quaid in Kingpin

Linden Ashby in Mortal Kombat (I’m often shocked he never became a bigger star)

List 11: 5 Stupid Nicknames I Recall From My Youth

1: Barzo

2: Conjob

3: Rubbies

4: Skivvy (Particularly frustrating as his surname was Skeffington, not ‘Skivvington’)

5: Lummox (via proxy of Dominic telling me about someone he knew as we watched the Royal Rumble live, me spewing milk everywhere at the joyous simplicity of it, and the notion it was a long term thing, and not someone calling him a lummox, once.)

List 10: 5 phrase-specific impressions I’m ace at.

Adam West, saying “why, that’s no bigger than a wamprat” from Blue Harvest.

Bernie Mac, saying “hey mannnyy” from Transformers.

Mickey Rourke, “Gladys…and my mitts” from Sin City.

David Patrick Kelly, saying “anything you say, I can do” from The Crow.

Joe Pilato saying “I’m running this monkey farm now Frankenstein, and I wanna know what the FUCK you’re doing with my time!”, from Day Of The Dead

List 9: 5 Things From The Past That Were Shit

1:That whole Apartheid business

2:Phones that you have to spin the dial around. So inprecise.

3:Birth without medication

4:TV, pre-HBO

5: The fact that if you believed in ghosts and lived in a remote area, there wasn’t enough science and general sense to comfort you.

List 8:Top 5 Worst Things I’ve To Get Through This Week Before Mario Is Out

1: Pay Ebay fees. Have no money.

2: Pay phone bill. Have no money.

3: Attend dole interview. Have no proof that I’ve been getting no replies, may get shouted at.

4: Suffer through any amount of time at all, really, when Mario is so nearly out.

5: Possibly get constipated, the runs, a headache or a sore arm or something.

List 7: Top 5 TV Shows On DVD With Synchronous Spines

1: Red Dwarf

2: The Wire

3: Curb Your Enthusiasm

4: Gilmore Girls

5: 90s Spider-Man

And the WORST:

1: King Of The Hill

2: 24 (With commentary, from my original use)

3: The Thick Of It (PINK?!)

4: Seinfeld (Pictures at the top just ruining the show here lads)

5: Mad Men (Like Seinfeld, ALMOST perfect but riddled with stupid errors, also I’ve no picture.

List 6: 5 Trilogies Without A Weak Entry

1: God Of War

2: THE Trilogy

3: Romero Night Trilogy 1

4: Resident Evil in 2000 or so, round about when Nemesis came out

5: THE TOMMY LEE JONES TEXAS TRILOGY!

List 5: 7 Things I hate About Summer

1: Allergic Reaction. Spoils even the bits of summer I would like otherwise.

2: There’s people everywhere. If you have an idea, everyone else has had it too.

3: The heat. Being a legitimate Big Hairy Dude, this is a problem. Last year I bowed, and shaved. Not so this year. This year, I’m in control.

4: The fucking schedule. Big Brother. I just have to sit there when it’s on because I can’t concentrate on reading and as you can see (are these blogs time-dated) I get all my surfing done pre-9 AM, it fucking seems.

5: Movies tend to get shit for a while. There’s a few decent big movies out, but thrice as many that look, you know, ah, just the usual fare.

6: Christmas is not is summer.

7: Just, like, bees and shit

List 4: Top five actors that make a film worth seeing, no matter what:

1: T.L.J. He seems to know good projects, which is an added incentive.

2: Nathan Fillion. Just.

3: Brad Pitt, in the 90s. Just didn’t make bad films.

4: Mickey Rourke nowadays, just to let him let you watch him.

5: David Morse. Isn’t he?

List 3: Top 5 Albums I’d Like To Hear Remixed So One Component Or Another Is Changed

1: Death’s The Sound Of Perserverance- Pull an Ozzy an completely re-record the drums, or just remove them.

2: Rush’s Vapor Trails: Just because they talked about doing it for so long, and now with the previews on that best of album it seems like a worthwhile likelihood.

3: Metallica’s Master Of Puppets: I’m curious to hear it sharpened and loudened up a bit.

4: Guns ‘n’ Roses’ Use Your Illusion: I’d still not listen to it but there’s a few songs on there that could benefit from being stripped of all that overproduction. Possibly y least favourite guitar tone ever.

5: Type O Negative’s World Coming Down and Life is Killing Me: Substitute the horrible drum machine for another or re-record them. Shameful, a barrier when getting into otherwise good albums.

List 2: 5 TV Shows I’d Love To See

1: Le Donk And Scor-Zay-Zee: The Continued Adventures

2: Star Trek (Abrams cast, go on John Cho and yer man Sylar, your shows were cancelled)

3: Young Spider-Man (technically in development, albeit animated)

4: HBO’s Frank Miller’s Sin City: 1 series of about 12 episodes to round out the books.

5: A show where The Masked Magician tricks animals with his magic.

List 1: The 4 Ugliest Opening Riffs In Metal Songs

1: All Nightmare Long, Metallica

2: Before I Forget, Slipknot

3: Jeffrey Dahmer, Soulfly

4: The Disciline Of Revenge, Cannibal Corpse (listen to that bass)

12 thoughts on “The (Not Quite) Daily List

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