Shit Toys Get Up To

You ever see the movie The Toy Story?  That really happens. It happens all the time. I took my photocamera and documentated it:

FIGHT

Yeah, they fight a lot. This is Totally Generic Action Guy. He’s fond of standing around in coolguy poses and it irks some of the other toys.

Not least of all Boxing Pumpkin Pen. I mean, yeah, alright, this guy’d fight with anything, but the very last thing he likes is some pup standing around on moonrock making him look stupid by directing their arms in ways he was incapable of. The mere act of standing behind him was enough to incite ol’ Pumpy.

So they knock the clean fuck out of each other.

Oh, I forgot to mention Encased In Rock Knuckles tends to judicade over these things. He’s pretty surly about not having the legs Sega saw fit to create him with at McDonalds’ whim, so he gets at close as he can without actually getting involved. He’s a creepy little fuck, that Knuckles. I managed to capture two fights on my expedition. As the newly smouldering wreckage from the previous battle cooled in the background his urge was sated as two of the greatest ever fictional animals came to blows over leftover pizza.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, bullies in residence The Dudley Boyz set about their daily ritual of removing the limbs of some of their most trusting compatriots.

Tag team indeed.

I mean look at poor That One Biker Mouse. He’s super upset about this. It’s not my place to interfere with nature but no-one said I couldn’t cry my fat face off.

Wasn’t even finished there. With as many arms ripped off as could be fit into a single afternoon, they set about pantsing fellow Hardy Wrestler, Topless Jeff Hardy.

I don’t know why a removeable-trouser Jeff Hardy figure exists, by the way. But I bought the hell outta it.

STAND AROUND LOOKING AWESOME

Here’s Awesome Ripped Green Guy Who Isn’t But LOOKS LIKE Blanka

BE INACCURATE

Why is that all Simpsons merch from the early 90s had Bart in outfits he never, ever wore? What, they couldn’t get the rights to a red t-shirt?

BE A SELF-SERVING PUN AND TECHNICALLY NOT A TOY

OK, not a toy, but look, this Batman tumbler HAS the Tumbler on it!

ACT AS PROOF THAT, AT ONE STAGE, EVERY KID WAS AT LEAST BRIEFLY OBSESSED WITH BURNING SHIT

Poor little Grey Space Man Guy. Poooooooooooor little guy.

GET THEY ASS PAINTED SILVER

Poor, poor…actually, I totally hate Goldberg, so ha HA.

GANG UP

Packs of Milo From The Masks roam the attic terrorizing the rest of the toys. Bad bad doggies. B’b’doggies.

Wow, that dog was really well represented in my childhood…

Here’s hoping you learned something here today. Consider, mayhap, venturing north into your own attic. No way it’s gonna be as categorically sensipognant as mine, but it’s at least guaranteed to be the best… attic in your… house?