A Hundred Miscellanies: 95-100

MISFORTUNE!

95: One winter’s day, ‘pon returning from Asda on a wholly unlit road I was struck by a bicycle (that had a man on it, controlling its direction). The fellow was perfectly gentlemanly about it, and even led me to a shortcut that reduced my journey time by a great deal (as I was lost). At the time of the incident I was listening to “Chapel Of Ghouls” by Morbid Angel on my recently-acquired iPod (which went undamaged). Curiously, my brother was in Amsterdam the same week and he too was struck by a bipedalling menace. While I spent the rest of the week in bed nursing aches and pains by watching every episode of Futurama, he suffered no such woe and even spotted a passing-by Jared Leto. Wait for it. ON A BIKE!

96: I developed a deep-rooted fear of mosh pits after suffering a nasty fall in The Fort one messy metal night. While the damage was done to the rear of my head, evidence was to appear from my nose. Any injury that occurs at the back but manifests at the front of something is worthy of abstinence from the deed that facilitated it, don’t ya fink?

97: Had my left index finger broken in the summer of 2004 (remembered by myself as ‘the summer of Spider-Man 2’). During the tenure of injury, I bathed it until it throbbed, made a point of pointing at lots of things to the left of things and was STILL the best drummer in a room full of people with ten un-braced fingers. Yuh huh. I’ll take that credit yo.

WORKPLACE MISHAP!

98: One time in McDonald’s (where I worked for a fortnight, if even) I multiplied a customer’s order of one McFlurry by a hundred and proceeded to attempt to charge him the full amount, my common sense still in my locker with my pair of trousers with REAL FUCKING POCKETS IN THEM. As an aside, that same man later developed a grudge towards me on the false grounds that I had bullied his daughter, though I did once engage in a full-scale row with his two OTHER daughters in the girls’ toilets of that centre of karmic inbalance, The Fort.

99: I was once reported to my manager in Xtra-Vision by a customer I had referred to as ‘boss’, in as casual and cheekless a manner as possible. I was then told, for the first time in my life, that I was not allowed to call customers ‘boss’.

100: In my fortnight of employment by Poundstretcher I was subjected to the surreality of standing with one leg hanging out of a green dumpster as it rolled down a hill towards an unmissable wall as my pitiably hung over divorcee manager hobbled feebly after me. I felt bad for ruining her smoke break so.

A Hundred Miscellanies: 90-94

WORDS I HAVE DIFFICULTY TYPING

91: Clone (almost always typed as ‘clonse’)

92: Kong (when preceded by King, I will always type King a second time before correcting the error)

PEOPLE WHOSE GENIUS CONCEPTS I ENJOY WITH ENVY

93: He who invented Tetris.

94: He who invented the Hawaiian pizza.

A Hundred Miscellanies: 88-90

GARMENTS!!!

88: FAVOURITE SHIRT!

The only clothe I have that, as long as it was clean, I could honestly wear all the time. It’s nice and light too.

MODIFICATION!!!

89: As I am so hip, and fond of the processing of lemonade from life’s nasty lemons, I have been able to salvage garmentry by using my cool cool brain and art talents. Behold, ye:

Does something seem out of place? HMM? DOES IT? For three years I put up with a wayward stain of verdy green yuckiness. It never stopped me from wearing my subtly Star Warsian yellow AweShirt, but at times I felt a little like some kind of homeless. Then it struck me. Green is green. Yoda is green. Green is on my shirt. YODA SHOULD BE ON MY SHIRT. Behold, ye:

Thus I win.

IDIOSYNCRASY

90: I’ll never open a pack of crisps at the bottom. I don’t go out of my way to do it, but there must be some sort of automatic programming up there that checks they’re the right way up for me before the deed is done. I like to think it doesn’t bother me, but when I see other people do it m’all like whadderyatt?

A Hundred Miscellanies: 77-87

STANDARD SUBWAY ORDER!

77: BREAD! Honey Oat. MEAT! Salami, Pepperoni, Ham. TOASTED WITH CHEESE! Toasted, WITHOUT cheese, please. VEG! Onions, Olives. DRESSING! Lots and lots of Chipotle Southwest (which no-one addresses as such) and Sweet Onion. SALT AND PEPPER! Yes please. CRISPS OR COOKIE! Cookie: oatmeal. DRINK! Citrus Oasis, and a cup of ice. SUBWAY CARD! Yes, Manuel. FAVOURITE SUBWAY EMPLOYEE! Manuel.

ORGANISATION

78: DVDs. Current DVD categories, in clockwise room order from entering room- Film DVDs, UK (incorporating 1 Irish and 2 Australian) TV DVDs, Blu-Ray, Music, Standup Comedy, Wrestling, US TV. Nb: Originally, all DVDs were piled together, arranged alphabetically. The categories are relatively recent.

79: Comics. Currently arranged by title (with all Spider-Man titles, for example, coming under ‘S’, ignoring the myriad prefixes {The Amazing…, Web Of… etc.}) and 2000AD titles falling under that banner {so The Ballad of Halo Jones is not under ‘b’}). This works best by writer/artist is too messy as often more than one is collected per title, by publisher is just impractical (and titled like Maus – Penguin – stand alone), and by size is a little pointless as they only really come in three sizes with the exception of a scant few. Handily, 300, which is twice the width of the average comic, lives at the leftmost of the top shelf, thanks to alphabetisation, and doesn’t stick out like a big ugly thing.

80: Games. Left to right 360, Wii, GC, PS2, PS3, PSOne (Strictly alphabetical, come on now, don’t fuck around).

MISDEEDS!

Shops barred from:

81: Halligan’s Spar (now McGee’s Centra): Barred for turning bottles of Fairy Liquid upside down ’til they leaked, and for amending a Slipknot hoodie bearing their timeless motif so it read “Imelda = Shit”. Sour-faced old hag.

82: Sloans’ Newsagents: Barred for pilfering ice-pops. This was quite a problem as I wanted to continue to possess ice pops with non-diminishing cash and also benefit from Sloans’ other amenities. Upon re-admission I was re-barred for somehow being rumbled for encouraging a friend to steal me a Resident Evil 4 poster from inside a magazine I didn’t want to pay for, despite being outside at the time of both the encouragement and the misdeed itself. Years later, Walter (proprietor) began taking an interest in me and asking me how school was and such. Creep.

83: The Edge/ Cafedge/ Edgemporium. The fact of the matter is getting barred from that portmanteau-abusing snoot’s parlour was a goal and a retrospective triumph. The place did and does attract and employ the hardest to take. Bunch of cunts.

Fun With Cops

84: To the amusement of all present I once housed a large tree branch in the back of my school blazer. Upon the approach of the police I neglected to remove the offending cadaver, and had to be instructed to do so after a few moments’ genuine ignorance. These days I’d have half an apology written as soon as they opened their car door.

85: St. Patrick’s Day Massacre. St. Patrick’s day was a pleasantly surreal experience around Fungannon Square, owing to the odd atmosphere of lots of people hanging around a town where every shop is closed. One year, packin’ a heap of boozes in my schoolbag, things devolved to the usual point where we found ourselves running from the police, and it struck me that the town’s usual taskforce of two would be of no bother so long as they thought I was clean, so to speak. Stashing my booze, I proceeded to get caught and with feigned and wholly disproportionate indignation emptied the contents of my schoolbag (three drumsticks and a nearly-giveaway Jack Daniels-soaked Cradle Of Filth poster flag) onto the ground all the while assuring the well-meaning bobby and bobbette that they were eating into MY time.  My apparent innocence established I returned to my stashhouse (a hedge) and spent the rest of the day hassle-free and later enjoyed TWO Zinger Tower Burgers (back when we had a fucking KFC).

Other

86: Once stole a pack of cheese and onion Tayto out the golf course kitchen. Oh yes. I’m badder than Michael Jackson in 1987.

OTHER Other

87: Amazon sends me things to review for them, but because said items are always crap I make a point of writing either two-line reviews or ones filled with absolute horseshit. As Doctor Who items are often sent, I am able to indulge my fondness for sci-fi names, barely-plausible technobabble and reference to ‘Ted Baker’.

A Hundred Miscellanies: 73-76

DANGER!

73: I was once accosted by a misinformed miscreant whose hammer was destined for my soft human flesh. His perceived sectarian bridged was soon rectified by a passing acquaintance. While his menace was effectively undermined by the public knowledge  that he was once found trapped under a lorry thanks to his not-inconsiderable girth, it was also doubled by his more recent stabbing of his stepfather and subsequent imprisonment.

74: Here, you know them factories? The roofs are made of this corrugated metal of some sort, and they’ve no windows, just a sort of translucent plastic up top that allows a modicum of light? Stood on one of them once. Though it gave way, I obviously didn’t follow through and perish, as I am still alive.

75: Same day, a murder of crows (honest) evacuated another section of that very factory, smashing a decent amount of glass in the process and causing me to lose my balance and very nearly fall into a small area from which there would have been no escape. (We also found a vat of BLOOD inside once)

76: The last time I can recall being punched I was outside McDonald’s in Dungannon and was so drunk (I think) that while I was aware of the collision, I didn’t suffer from it. Getting punched fucking sucks yo.

A Hundred Miscellanies: 62-72

THE ORIGINAL MAGNUM VALENTINO PLAYSTATION GAME COLLECTION (BEFORE SALE TO SHAUN QUINN)

62: Mortal Kombat Trilogy, Metal Gear Solid, Street Fighter EX Plus Alpha, Die Hard Trilogy, Marvel Super Heroes, Crash Bandicoot 2, Gex 3D: Enter The Gecko, Cool Boarders 2 and Tekken 3. (70% Recovered since)

THE RIDICULOUS STUDENT LOAN PURCHASES

63: Nintendo DS Lite (White), 1st day of 1st instalment, 2006-2007 (Later sold, replaced and re-sold)

64: Xbox 360, 1st day of 1st instalment, 2007-2008 (Also later sold, replaced and re-sold)

65: Yamaha Rhythm Traveler, 1st day of 3rd instalment, 2008-2009 (Still of great use, my one worthy purchase)

TOP SIX LONGEST HELD BUGBEARS

66: Hatred of the font Comic Sans (MS) and its use by all local businesses when they want to appear relaxed, fun or cool

67: Hatred of the font Crackhouse and its use by countless horror movies, metal bands and more. Whatever happened to scrawling your own awesome logo with your left hand so it looked a little intentionally gammy?

68: Hatred of the word random (which has sadly stretched beyond its modern use back as far as any pre-2005 usage also, which is rather unfair of my quite unreasonable mind)

69: Hatred of Lauren Laverne (slowly but noticeably being edged aside by my ever-swelling hatred of Fearne Cotton)

70: Hatred of drinks fridges in shops with an unacceptably high temperature. I really can’t see them saving much money, whereas the amount of life-shortening stress they could save ME would be massively appreciated.

71: I had another one that I later found out was shared by a comedian or writer but can’t remember what it was, so I’m leaving this here as a place marker until it hits me, and it will, it’ll HIT me, it’ll not just present itself.

72: Hatred Of pRick McCallum, producer extrordinaire of every shit incarnation of the Star Wars Trilogy and everything that has happened since then (1997).

A Hundred Miscellanies: 30-61

CINEMA HIJINKS

Films Slept Through In Cinemae:

30: Predators

31: Monsters Vs. Aliens

32: The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy

Films Walked Out Of:

33: The Other Guys

Films Ignored In Favour Of Wrestling, In-Cinema:

34: Dude, Where’s My Car?

35: The Mummy Returns

Films Seen Twice In One Day:

36: The Empire Strikes Back

Cinema With Lowest Ratio Of Visits:Good Films In Successive Days With At Least One Film Title Bearing An Exclamation Mark:

37: Bundoran Omniplex: 2:0 (X-Files: I Want To Believe and Mamma Mia!)

Cinema With Highest Ratio Of Visits: Good Films In Successive Days With At Least One Film Title Bearing An Exclamation Mark:

38: GCG Sligo: 2:2 (Whip It!, Kick-Ass)

Films Watched In Cinemae By Self:

39. State Of Play

40. No Country For Old Men

41-43: Quantum Of Solace, Eagle Eye, Burn After Reading (on a single day, in my work uniform)

Least Favourite Cinema:

44: Global Cinema Dungannon- Always out of focus, sticky floors, unpleasant staff, poor selection of films, mostly uncomfortable seating and poor confectionery selection.

Least Favourite Cinema Screen:

45: Screen 6 at Movie House in Coleraine- Ridiculously sized, with a screen that’s about 2 feet too short, a permanent blemish thereupon, with crackly sound. Also have never seen a single decent movie therein.

Earliest Cinememory:

46: Seeing Jurassic Park and coming home, sticking a tie down my trousers and pretending to be a dinosaur like any decent kid who saw that film should have done.

Latest Cinememory:

47: Vowing off cinema trips for the foreseeable future thanks to a lack of films worth any money or effort to see and a lack of interest in modern movies in general. Walking out of the above mentioned film, mildly regretting not asking for a refund and then deciding it was wise as The Other Guys is not a Ritz Cookstown Motion Picture Production.

Films Watched In An Otherwise Empty Screen:

48: Monster House

49: The Other Guys

Films There Is Absolutely No Way I Would Go To See Now, Even Ignoring The Fact I’ve Already Seen Them:

50-55: Shrek fucking 3, Boogeyman, My Little Eye, Surveillance, Reign Of Fire

Fondest Cinememories:

56: Seeing Star Wars in Armagh in 1997 with a great big pile of people and a queue that backed out both exits of the building, with Sash!’s entire Encore Une Fois EP being played an obscene amount of times before enjoying 85% of the film until we were kicked out after some silly billy started smoking in the toilets, setting off an alarm we (wrongly) presumed was part of Lucas’ bastard revisions.

57: Seeing Kill Bill Pt. 1 in 2003 with another great big pile of people and experiencing an excitement for a film the hasn’t been as intense (or as rewarded) since.

58: Travelling to Belfast alone, by bus, to see No Country For Old Men on a cold Monday in January and spending an absolute fortune on travel and food, and getting into the cinema early enough to listen to the entirity of L.A. Woman by the doors 1.5 times.

Poor Choices:

59: Sneaking into see The Matrix Reincarnation (or whatever the fuck it’s called, the third one) with Luke with our extremely useless tickets (won by dressing as Kiss members for Hallowe’en) when we could have seen Bad Boys II instead.

60: Submitting my vote to see Home Alone 3 before being outvoted and having to endure George Of The Jungle instead. I may have seen the better film that day, but not by choice.

Words Invented During This Post:

61: Cinememories